


Within Walls

by miraestrellxs



Series: Dæmon Concepts [1]
Category: His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
Genre: Gen, Human Experiments, daemon AU, it IS Lyra's world tho, this is not really HDM, will i ever finish this??, will most likely get updated with new experiments
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-21
Updated: 2018-11-21
Packaged: 2019-08-26 22:01:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16689706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/miraestrellxs/pseuds/miraestrellxs
Summary: Nicholas Horazio is nineteen years old and he has forgotten what it feels like to hold his dæmon in his arms. AKA Human experiments but with dæmons.





	Within Walls

_(Cloudpine)_

Nicholas was inside a blinding white room, staring at the wall, sitting on the floor with the legs sprawled in front of him. His dæmon was in the adjacent room, out of Nicholas' reach. She changed forms and flapped her wings to see through the wide-panel window to his left. Nicholas was starting to forget the feeling of Kaya Katar, she had been locked away from him for so long. 

The concrete and the glass didn't cut the link, they were close enough to still feel the presence of the other… but it was superficial. Artificial. It was melancholic. The blood flowing through Nicholas' insides was anxious, stressed, it grieved. It was angry. 

Nicholas was also very bored. His head about to explode. 

Kaya Katar felt the same, her madness was his own. 

Nicholas looked at his legs, or where they should've been, because what was there now weren't his legs. It was a silver structure ending in hooves. 

There was a tap, no, four taps. Nicholas frowned, ducking his head. Four more taps, it wasn't Kaya Katar against the window. A bang this time, Nicholas covered his ears. 

"You!" said a female voice, words blocked by the glass. "You, you!" 

Nicholas groaned, head still down, looking at the corner of the wall opposite to Kaya Katar. It wasn't his dæmon that talked, she couldn't, the dividing window silenced her voice. 

"Hey, hey! You, you, you!" 

_Bang, bang, bang._

Nicholas searched wildly for something he could throw, but there was nothing. Nothing but him, his cot and the pipe that poured water copiously to a drain. He looked up and saw a girl with her closed fists on the observation window. Auburn hair, with maybe too many moles or too many freckles on her fair face. They had to be freckles. 

A kestrel, her dæmon, sat on her shoulder. Talons not hurting her, despite the thin cloth of what she wore and her bony looks. 

The girl smiled when he looked at her and banged the glass again, making it shake. 

"You!" 

One of the silver hooves stomped on the floor, sending a searing jolt of pain up Nicholas' pelvis and to his arms, the joints of his shoulders. He clenched his teeth. Kaya Katar, now a goldfinch, fluttered helplessly against the window that kept her away from Nicholas. 

"Would you stop that?!" Nicholas shouted when the girl hit the glass once more. His hands were over his ears again, legs hanging limp as he curled against the wall. His head rested on the cold wall. 

"You didn't seem to be listening!" said the girl, her dæmon changing form to resemble Kaya Katar as her goldfinch, maybe out of sympathy. "Can you hear me talk or can you only hear when I—" And she attacked the window again. 

Nicholas would stand if he could. 

"Stop that!" 

But the girl didn't stop, her goldfinch-dæmon took flight and circled the girl's head. Nicholas realised with surprise that her dæmon was a female as well. The girl stopped at once, her dæmon coming to perch on her shoulder once more. 

"You can hear me?" she asked. 

"Yes! Do I look like a zoo animal to you?!" His voice cracked near the end, tears came soon after, sliding restlessly down his face. 

The girl rested her palms on the glass, her expression tender now. She answered with silence, letting it stretch with the thump of Kaya Katar's wings on the glass and Nicholas' sobbing as only interruption. Then she said, "Have you seen my cloudpine?" 

Nicholas didn't want to answer her, but 'cloudpine' caught his attention. 

"They took it from me," she said. "Have you see it? My cloudpine?" 

Nicholas shook his head. "What are you doing so far from the North?" 

The girl, who was really a witch, rested her forehead on the window and misted the glass with her breath. Her dæmon was a kestrel once again. The witch's eyes were two black marbles, burnt holes on porcelain skin. 

"They took me from my Clan." If there had been more noise in the room, Nicholas wouldn't have hear her. "They killed two of my sisters and they brought me here. They took my cloudpine." 

Her fists were clenched again, with enough strengths to hurt. She talked about the cloudpine like if it was her very dæmon. Nicholas didn't try to understand, he was a male and such knowledge was saved for witches that were females. He swallowed thickly, turning his face away once more. 

A bang on the window, lesser than those before, made Nicholas jump and scratch the floor for stones that weren't there to throw. The witch had taken her hands from the glass by the moment his eyes trained in hers once more, she was standing perfectly straight. Without cloudpine witches couldn't fly, that seemed to be affecting her. 

"Your cloudpine isn't here," Nicholas said. "And I haven't seen it, I'm not allowed to leave this room." 

"They let me walk around, why won't they let you?" 

The silver legs recoiled like would those of an animal, that was his answer to her question. The witch stared at him shamelessly, making Nicholas wish once more there was something he could throw. Kaya Katar stopped with her fluttering against the window, she had changed form and now Nicholas couldn't see her. He knew she was a dangerous animal now, once you would see behind bars in a zoo — a lioness or a crocodile. 

The witch breathed in air to speak again, but didn't get to it. 

She looked over her shoulder and Nicholas understood the door of the room had been opened. The kestrel-dæmon flapped her wings without taking flight, the witch's body turned away from whoever had entered. She pressed herself against the glass. 

A man and a woman were the new guests, both of their dæmons on their shoulders — his as a common possum and hers as a buzzard. Nicholas had never seen them before. The man wore a white robe, the woman a black vest over her shirt. 

She caught the witch's arm, making her scream. The kestrel-dæmon took flight while her human tried to pull herself free, screeching. The buzzard-dæmon took off too, catching the kestrel that changed form to a white mouse in fear. 

The witch was hysterical. Kaya Katar was a bird again. 

"If a door is locked it should remain locked! It means no trespassing!" berated the woman. "There was an ONLY AUTHORISED sign outside!" 

"No, there wasn't!" The witch kept fighting to set herself free, her dæmon writhing on the talons of the buzzard-dæmon that was perched on the woman's shoulder on one leg. 

The witch screeched like a savage. 

The man hadn't moved a bit, he watched the scene unfold with a tired fashion. His dæmon was tense. 

The woman pulled the witch's arm roughly, in such way Nicholas was convinced it had been dislocated. The witch screamed again, face stained with tears and teeth bared animalistic. 

"Collista," said the man, addressing the woman. "Stop that, you are being too harsh." He tried to set his hand on the witch's shoulder but she screamed at him. "Leeana, please." 

"What did you do with my cloudpine?!" She tried to scratch the woman's hand off but her other arm was soon being held still too. 

The witch was sobbing. 

"We'll talk this through outside." The man looked pointedly at Nicholas, tired eyes behind frameless glasses. "You should not be here, Leeana." 

"Why? Why? Why?" The witch repeated that over and over in a voice like screaming and crying and screeching. Collista pulled her to the door and just when the witch's voice shushed did Nicholas know he was alone again. 

__

_(Steps)_

The nurse's name was Gloriana, her dæmon was a blue jeans frog. She held out her hands in front of her, offering them to Nicholas who still sat on the ground. He looked at her short fingernails, then at her face, at her pixie cut bubblegum blue hair. She moved her fingers as if inviting him to give her his hands. 

"Nicholas," she said when he didn't react. "Your hands." 

"I can't stand up." 

"Yes, you can. You have legs, don't you?" 

One of the silver hooves moved on its own accord, maybe reacting to his lividness, and kicked her ankle. Gloriana stumbled and nearly fell, her dæmon jumping to the ground from her shoulder in surprise. 

"I can't control them, I can't feel them." 

"You can start by standing. Give me your hands, Nicholas." 

"Fuck off." 

The frog-dæmon croaked. 

Gloriana crouched in front of him, her arms still outstretched in front of her. Nicholas turned his face away, pressing his cheek on the cold white wall. He crossed his arms, hid his hands on his armpits and closed his eyes. The silver legs laid limp. 

"I'm trying to help you." 

"Then you should've been there when they drugged me and took my legs." 

"They didn't take them." 

"Well, where are they? Because I don't see them." 

Gloriana sighed. "If you could just cooperate with us, Nicholas." 

No answer. 

"Just give me your hands and I will help you stand on your feet." 

"What feet?" 

Silence. His heart was going fast despite the resting state, probably because of Kaya Katar. Last time he saw her, she was a lizard pressed to the dividing window. 

"Nicholas," Gloriana spoke carefully. "Once you manage to stand and walk we will allow you out of this room, don't you want that?" 

"What about my Kaya Katar?" 

"You'll be reunited with her." 

Nicholas opened his eyes, he looked at the pipe pouring water to the drain. Gloriana was visible through his peripheral view. He would be with Kaya Katar again, but how would he walk? Everything waist down was numbed. Didn't exist. 

"Nicholas." 

He took her hands. 

With a little tug, Gloriana helped him stand on the silver hooves. Nicholas staggered, digging his fingernails on Gloriana's arms to keep balance. He couldn't remember if he had been this tall before, or if the hooves had added height. Looking out the windows, he saw small white rooms. Kaya Katar's was much like his, except it was completely empty apart from her. 

Gloriana's grip loosened. Nicholas felt himself falling and he closed his hands around her forearms harder. 

"You need to do it by yourself,” she said. 

Nicholas bit back a comment, freeing one hand and resting it on the wall. Kaya Katar was a butterfly on the window. 

The complicated silver structure pressed his pelvic area, like the most uncomfortable pants imaginable. Like stilts, he wasn't sure if they would move when he commanded them to do it. There was no way of knowing, he couldn't feel them. They were alien to him, unreliable. This was just like learning to use roller skates. 

Gloriana let go of him fully. 

Nichola pressed both hands on the wall, his torso facing towards it but the hooves facing towards Gloriana. He glared at the nurse, jaw clenched. Gloriana gestured with her fingers for him to make an attempt of walking. 

_"What about my Kaya Katar?"_

_"You'll be reunited with her."_

The butterfly on the window fluttered, having heard his thoughts. She wanted to be with him as much as he wanted to be with her, walking seemed cheap compared to being able to touch his dæmon again. 

He made an attempt of moving one of the hooves, no response. He banged the wall with his fists. 

Baby steps, at the age of nineteen. 

Gloriana didn't manage to persuade him to stop propping himself on the wall, Nicholas knew he would fall. He was keeping a balance and even with the help of the wall it was difficult. 

Gloriana called it a day after an hour and a half of one-sided conversation, then she left (not before helping Nicholas sit on the floor again). 

Nicholas could feel Kaya Katar's disappointment. That hurt more than the comments of the nurse. His dæmon surely knew it wasn't easy. He sent that back as answer to her, Kaya Katar didn't answer. Apologising only a little later. 

Gloriana and Nicholas tried the following day. 

And the following. 

And the following. 

They faced Kaya Katar's window this time. His dæmon transformed into a cat that managed to balance in front of the glass. She was there to serve as a goal. Nicholas needed to reach her. From where he stood, hand on the wall, he could almost pretend there was no window between him and Kaya Katar. 

_Nick, please. Come on._

It was ripping him apart. She had been saying that for the past three days, on the verge of sobbing. Nicholas couldn't name a time Kaya Katar was this close to _forcing_ him to do something. He had never heard of dæmons _forcing_ their humans on, well, anything. 

At least she said 'please'. 

Nicholas wasn't sure if Kaya Katar felt the way he did about this. Her legs weren't changed for fake, she was perfectly fine. He was torn between a feeling in his gut, some primal urge, egging him to just launch himself and _do it_ and the weight of these legs. 

He had taken a couple of steps yesterday, more dragging than walking. It was an uncooperative relationship between his mind and that of the silver legs. Because he was sure they thought and felt, but they didn't want to share either of those things with him. 

_Nick?_

_I'm sorry, Kaya. This is harder than you think._

At least they were still civil with each other. 

"Nicholas?" said Gloriana. "Come on, you did it yesterday." 

Nicholas glared, the words "fuck off" on the tip of his tongue. He didn't say them. 

Erasmus, Gloriana's frog-dæmon, croaked from his place on Gloriana's shoulder. 

"Why don't you get me a pair of crutches?" 

Gloriana blinked, as if that hadn't occurred to her. Nicholas wanted to scream. 

"That would make this a fucking lot easier, y'know." 

She said a vague, "Oh." It sounded a bit condescending. 

Nicholas clenched his jaw. 

"I'll bring the crutches", Gloriana said after that small exchange. She left and didn't come back. No one appeared to give him the crutches so he could walk and finally touch Kaya Katar's fur again. 

The door opened when the lights had been already turned off, meaning it was very late (or very early, depending on one's perspective). Nicholas, who had dragged himself to the cot so he could sleep, lifted his head from the pillow. He expected to hear Gloriana, but even if the voice was female it wasn't Gloriana. 

"I brought you… _this._ They were discussing if you should use them because it might, how do people here say it? It might _fuck it up._ Was that correct? Oh, well. Here." The silhouette moved and placed something on the floor, metal. "I offered to take it, and since they claim I have redeemed myself they let me do it." 

It was the witch. 

Her dæmon was perched on her shoulder. 

Nicholas leaned on his elbows, able to figure out her shape just vaguely. His surroundings were a palette of blue, grey and black. 

The witch kicked what she had placed on the floor, making the metal collide against itself and the floor. She leaned down again, walking closer and placing the crutches on top of Nicholas. 

The first thing he could articulate was, "Did you find your cloudpine?" 

The witch didn't answer. Maybe she shook her head because a moment later she said, "No. They hid it or got rid of it." 

"Thank you," Nicholas said, realising he hadn't said it. "Could you help me stand up?" 

They both outstretched their arms, the contact directed the witch to take his wrist. She served as lever for him to stand on the hooves and maintain his balance. With one hand he took the crutches, placing them under his arms. 

"This is more like it," he muttered to himself. "I didn't ask your name." 

"Leeana Umaria, and this is Nahatu." 

"Nicholas Horazio." He added his surname while thinking _since we are going fullname._

Silence. 

"Aren't you telling me your dæmon's name?" 

He forgot about Kaya Katar. That hit him _hard_. How could one forget about their own dæmon? With sudden panic, Nicholas realised that ever since he was separated from Kaya Katar he had slowly gotten used to it. Maybe at first it was nerve racking, but now looking at her through the window felt like it was enough. 

"Kaya Katar." 

"I love dæmons with two names." 

Nicholas moved the crutches, balancing himself on them now. He moved and it felt like breathing fresh air. He made it from one point of the room to the other without much struggle, heart fluttering and he knew Kaya Katar was a bird flapping her wings against the window. 

"Help me find nurse Gloriana," 

He heard Leeana walk, her steps quiet on the spotless floor. She made it to the door she left open, Nicholas going after her with the help of the crutches. They crossed the observation room outside his enclosure, Nicholas saw the outline of tables and maybe some chairs. 

They reached the hallway door, also left open. Leeana and Nahatu emerged from the room, Nicholas following closely… but he stopped abruptly, feeling a tremendous pull on his chest. The feeling brewed with searing pain and his windpipe closed abruptly. He staggered, nearly falling. Leeana stopped walking but didn't approach him. 

Kaya Katar, she was still in the room. 

If he took another step, the connection would be broken. 

"You look— you look for nurse Gloriana." 

"You said 'help me', aren't you the one who needs her?" 

"I can't leave my dæmon behind." 

"Why? She's going nowhere." 

"Exactly." Nicholas took a couple of steps back, the pressure on his chest losing strength. " _Fuck me,_ " he muttered, swallowing hard. "Witches can— witches can be away from their dæmons, humans can't." 

"They can't?" Leeana asked, clearly surprised. "Huh. You should wait until tomorrow, then." 

"Can't you go looking for someone to open the door of my dæmon's room?" 

"I'm in no need of doing that, you are. I don't get why I should do it by myself while you stay here." 

She wasn't kidding. Nicholas breathed out an incredulous laugh. 

"Can't you do me a favor?" 

"I brought the crutches, so yes." 

"Use magic to open the door, then?" 

Apparently, that was offensive. Her hand appeared on his chest, she felt around a little as if trying to figure out what she was touching, then she shoved him. Nicholas cursed, loud. He stumbled and stopped himself from falling only because he found the threshold of the observation room room and held onto it. 

"Magic doesn't work _that_ way, and I wouldn't do magic for someone else. I only do it for me." 

His rational side told him that, maybe, her anger was coming from somewhere else. She seemed so nice back in the room. Nicholas bit the inside of his cheeks, stopping a comeback featuring five uses of the word "fuck" in them. 

"I'll wait until tomorrow, then." 

"Good. Okay."

**Author's Note:**

> abrupt end, i know, but this is all i've got written and haven't got a clue on how to continue.


End file.
